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Thursday, March 28, 2013

Black men and domestic violence

I'm not going to do like everyone else and be a hypocrite by using Rihanna and Chris Brown because domestic abuse within homes and "actual" married couples have been happening before they were born and before their parents were born.

 I was in the court house, and when I entered the court room there were sooooo many black men there for DV hearings, and there were so many black women in there tesifying against their partners for domestic abuse. What's even more disturbing is the bulk of the black women telling the judge they wanted to drop the charges. One case came from an attorney reading the many details of some of the cases. He said a guy came in choked the mother of his child and his sister but the woman involved wanted to drop the charges. There was one black woman, very pretty, looked to be in her early 20's, who was also in court for the same thing and she said "He knocked me so hard to the ground I couldn't move, but I don't want to press charges". I don't get it, but I can't say I'm shocked because as I always say I frequent forums and black women are so male absorbed. Like the story about the former football player divorcing his wife and hr finding out online, black women were saying "Well at least she respected her man" despite them also mentioning how controlling he was towards her.

I was so disturbed seeing so many black men raise their hands for DV, it was so horrific to witness. But the black community we glamorize mistreatment of women, let alone BLACK WOMEN.

The statistics are overwhelming...

African Americans African Americans, especially African American Women, suffer deadly violence from family members at rates decidedly higher than for other racial groups in the United States. However, it is observed that research concerning family violence among African Americans is inadequate.
  • Overall, African Americans were victimized by intimate partners a significantly higher rates than persons of any other race between 1993 and 1998. Black females experienced intimate partner violence at a rate 35% higher than that of white females, and about 22 times the rate of women of other races. Black males experienced intimate partner violence at a rate about 62% higher than that of white males and about 22 times the rate of men of other races.
    Callie Marie Rennison. and Sarah Welchans, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 178247, Intimate Partner Violence (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/ascii/ipv.txt
  • African-American women experience significantly more domestic violence than White women in the age group of 20-24. Generally, Black women experience similar levels of intimate partner victimization in all other age categories as compared to White women, but experience slightly more domestic violence. (Estimates are provided from the National Crime Victimization Survey, which defines an intimate partner as a current or former spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend. Violent acts include murder, rape, sexual assault, robbery, aggravated assault, and simple assault.)
    Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 187635, Intimate Partner Violence and Age of Victim, 1993-1999, at 4, (2001), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/abstract/ipva99.htm

We love seeing men mistreat black women, especially certain types. Doesn't matter how good of a person she can be, or what she represents as a person, somehow her worth is valued by how many times she can get abused by a male in any form. We run to the latest blog to see what celebrity is dogging out the latest groupie, vixen or stripper so we can celebrate him and give him praise. Ironically on a certain blog there was a story about a female "playing" as they say a male athlete and the feedback was totally different. She was called "mean", "dirty", "Evil" and "dumb" for not accepting his advances and using it to her advantage. I don't get it because on any other given night the same people are preaching the exact opposite. Why is it sad when the male is the one getting "played"?

I know why because we still operate by a very male dominant society. In the black community it's all about uplifting black men. We hate to see black men being mistreated because somehow it still reminds us of racial history, of the all time epic battle White male dominated society vs. Black man trying to make it, in it. So when we see black men carry on this behavior disrespecting women we don't blame him or crucify him too much because of that history, and well because abused black women are seen as worthless. Black women are already viewed as the ignored group, so who cares to take the time to value, an unvaluable asset? Nevermind black women were apart of the horrific history of slavery as well and we had to battle the white man and the white man, now we're battling the black man and the loyalist black woman. Who excuses our ignorant behavior? That's right, NO ONE!

Remember the case of Jovan Belcher the NFL player and him killing the mother of his child? Everyone took his side and automatically accused her of doing something even though she did NOTHING, and there was no proof of her doing anything. If you're not familiar with the story then here it is: http://www.wfaa.com/sports/football/KC-police-Chiefs-player-involved-in-shootings-181674501.html
So I'm not shocked to see the many black men in court for domestic abuse, it's not like they're going to be given a good lecture about it because our community doesn't care. We think it's funny when black women are abused, it's called putting a woman in her place even when it's not warranted. Anything to make sure black men stay happy. I have a niece, a mother and a sister who have both been apart of this kind of thing and it's nothing to applaud at all, especially up close and personal. I will go to jail for life if I have to witness my niece become another victim because her community doesn't value her worth.

I weep for the black girls and women of tomorrow.


  1. hi, its a great article you have shared with us thanks for sharing i like it too much....


    1. You are very welcome! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

  2. I enjoyed this article. We must continue the fight against DV and other forms of injustice aimed at females. Black men will coninue to fill the prisons and morgues of this country as long as we operate on the, "might makes right" philosophy. Domestic violence often spills into the street.
    Ray Rice was on borrowed time. The clock started the first time that he ever tried to dominate a woman. We push the boundaries of decency until it becomes obvious to everyone that what we are doing is reprehensible.
    The excuses must end. We men must be made to take responsibility for what we do.Anyone with half a brain knows that a slap from a woman is nothing like a left hook from a professional athlete who is in the weight room everyday.
    DV is never the woman's fault. The man made the decision to inflict pain and fear on her. We need to get past the lame excuses. Also, realize that often battered women find it difficult to leave. There is something called battered women syndrome.Abuse has profound negative effects on the victim. So now let us have an honest dialogue as to how we can end this and make the world a safer place for my children and your's.

    1. Thank you for writing this. This is refreshing coming from a man, and I also believe if men are being abused they should speak up too, or people should help me speak out. But domestic abuse affects women past and present, historically, at a greater rate then it ever has affected men.

      We have to move past gender labels within patriarchy, sexism and misogyny that denies men the right to cry, hurt or be empathetic. These emotions allow men to empathize and protect women. Our culture denies men these traits which creates a false idea of masculinity, and it creates a monster army of men who see women as inferior, weak and a symbolization of something to dominate.

  3. Two months ago, my AA neighbor stabbed his wife and took off leaving her to bleed out in a lake of blood in their living room. Her loud moans were heard and literally saved her life. She's the one who works to support this prince among men, while he hangs with his friends every day and does nothing. Last week he crept back home literally under the cover of darkness. I suspect he's on bail awaiting trial and they're in love again. Next time he shanks her, I'm turning up the TV and reaching for another hand full of Cheetos. You can't fix stupid.

    1. You really can't help these women. They truly believe these men are the symbolization of masculinity. I have a sister just like this. Baby's father beat the shit out of her, threatened to kidnap her kids and leave them on the side of the road, calls her out of her name, calls us out of our name, anything you can think of he has done. The only reason she's so attracted to a idiot like that is because when she slanders her family he laps it up like a lap dog, not because he cares so much about her, but because of his ego.

      We've told her over and over again since she was a teenage to stop going for people like this, but people attract who they are, and she's shown to be mentally and emotionally abusive towards her family, so I'm not shocked she'd be bowing down to someone like that.

      The black community refuses to discuss DV and intra-racial abuse which affects black women the most. It means having to hold black men accountable for something making them look bad, and we know how the black community coddles every little thing about black men, even the bad stuff.

    2. I find your piece quite interesting. Anecdotally I see some truth to what you have written here particularly your conversation on our society being a male dominated society and the black community being about uplifting black men. This is so problematic when it comes to DV. Throw in the religion aspect and the fact that it perpetuates violence and we have even more trouble.

      I do want to point out one thing though: Native American suffer DV, IPV and rape more than any other group of women including African American women. They are rarely included in the statistics and you may remember that a few years ago the re-authorization of the VAWA was help up because the President wanted to include protections for Native American women and congress was opposed to it. It's important that we not leave them out of the numbers when comparing statistics on DV.

      What many of us in the DV prevention community are missing is the lack of self-worth that not only perpetrators suffer from but victims as well. People don't abuse or allow themselves to be abused because they like being abused, they abuse or stay with abusers because somewhere in their life they learned that abuse and love are synonymous.

      Another part of the equation that we miss is the fact that there is most often a relationship between victim and perpetrator. We expect a victim to just walk away from an abuser without addressing the feelings that go along with being in a relationship with someone. Regardless of whether a relationship is abusive there are feelings of connection and love within those relationships. Victims often refuse to press charges because they don't want to see the person they love thrown in jail or be separated from that person. Often their self-worth is extremely low and they have a history of abuse and violence in their lives. The trauma from that doesn't just disappear because someone tells you you should leave an abuser. Even when a victim recognizes that they're being abused they don't leave because they believe their abuser loves them.

      The other part that I would like to respectfully address is that the black community does not refuse to discuss DV. We are having these conversations more and more. There are many many organizations within black communities that are discussing DV. Is it enough? of course not but to say that the black community refuses to discuss it is disingenuous. We are working to hold black men accountable for their behavior.

      I commend you for your voice on this issue and hope you will continue to bring the necessary attention to this issue.

  4. Dont forget if you do press charges they call you a "police ass" in the community or your roommates make fun of you for being a victim...but when it happens to them they want sympathy..or if you dont go back you get a side eye thinking you too good for black men...smhhhh